Know your Man's Character from the Brand he Wears

Making sweeping generalizations about a man by the brand he wears is an admittedly inaccurate science. But it’s also unavoidable (not to mention fun). Stereotypes are often wrong, but it’s dangerous not to acknowledge their existence. To expose them, we indulged our most shallow knee-jerk reactions to big-name brands. Your label is talking about you to the rest of us, and here’s what it's saying!!

Abercrombie & Fitch

Hmmm... Well, you’re kind of a tool. Also, you’re in a fraternity. You think wearing your ball cap brim-forward constitutes formal wear. You have two varsity letters: one in water polo and one in half-naked-dude mud wrestling. There’s a funny story you like to tell involving Jagermeister and a security guard. Books don’t interest you much, but Tucker Max is the man. You’re not big on shirts. You’re planning big things with your major in interdisciplinary studies. By the way, you looked great in those USC rooftop sex photos.

Lanvin

You're the youngest child, and not as good at sports as your siblings. You didn’t get much attention at home. So now you dress rather like a dandy angling for an internship with the Joker. And the only thing more obnoxious than the price of your wardrobe is the reach of your vanity. Your occupation: high-society gala attendee. One day the inheritance may run out, but that day is not today. People often tell you you’d make a beautiful woman. You drink champagne on all occasions. You have never gone fishing. You are the reason the rest of us don’t understand the French. 

Nike

You may be a famous athlete, a weekend warrior or a middle manager with a serious golf obsession. Sure, you could pay less for better functionality, but then you couldn’t brand yourself with little swooshes. You vote Republican, but you tell people you’re independent. There’s one rule in your house: No talking during the NCAA basketball tournament. You take your gum chewing very seriously. In your refrigerator, you’ve got a sixer of Michelob ULTRA. Once, you got thrown out of your kid’s soccer game for heckling the referee. Look, a bad call is a bad call, whether the players are pros or preschoolers. And that’s precisely the kind of thing your ex-wife just didn’t understand.

Kenneth Cole

You live in the city -- or, rather, you wish you did, which is why you shop at Kenneth Cole. You’ve got a subscription to Details magazine and own at least one of the following: a punch card to Jamba Juice, a face moisturizer, a shirt with epaulettes. You didn’t plan to end up in advertising, but the art career wasn’t working out, and Pilates classes don’t pay for themselves. You know more about style than your friends, but less than you think you do. "Metrosexual": The term is overused, but you’re reason it exists. Nobody knows that those glasses aren’t really prescription.

Ed Hardy

Well, somebody has to be the biggest douche in the room. Congrats. Adorning yourself in gaudy, hideous crap is no big thing if you don’t pay rent. Works out OK for you, since you live at home. The rest of your payday (from your gig repping Monster energy drinks) goes to the gym membership, bronzer, chest waxes, and cover charges at the club. You’ve almost been cast on three different reality shows. With this schedule, it’s hard to get more than 10 hours of sleep at a time. You know the haters are just jealous. And if you had the slightest flickering of self-awareness, you would probably be immolated with shame.

Timberland

If you had a pair of Timberland work boots for every day of actual labor you’ve done in your life, you’d have zero pairs of Timberland work boots. But tough is a mindset. So, apparently, is “gansta.” Yeah, you’re keeping it real. East Coast, dawg. And on the subway, in your puffy jacket, knees spread wide, you can claim a bench normally shared by three. Years from now, deaf as a board, you’ll regret all those hours spent blasting your ear-buds at concert levels. You own people on Madden, on X-Box Live (especially after you smoke a little). Your default emotional state: unimpressed.   

         

Levi’s

You are not one to be tossed around by the fickle winds of fashion, which is why you’ve been wearing the same brand of jeans since 1989. You are practical. You appreciate things that last. You know the value of a dollar. In other words, you’re cheap. Probably from the Midwest. You might own a truck. Also, a Sam’s Club membership card. And a Johnny Cash album. Joke is on everyone else, though, because Levi’s are cool again (not that you were paying attention). From fashion failure to trendsetter in one season. Your commitment to habit proves one thing: Eventually, everything old will be new again. 

So... Any ladies dumping their men around here?? Lol!!

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Gentlemen... Know What to Wear on your First Date

Forget what everyone says about intelligence, kindness and loyalty. When it comes to first dates, the way you look is most important. Shallow? No doubt. But we’re only human. What you wear and how you groom yourself can speak volumes before you even utter “hello.” Luckily, we’re here to help you put your best foot forward (literally) and prevent you from greeting your date with gnarly nails, all in the hopes that this initial encounter will end in something more than a seriously unsatisfying goodbye.

Sick kicks

It’s no secret that every woman (and, for that matter, any well-dressed gent) is pretty much obsessed with shoes. And that’s because they’re the one thing that can make or break an entire getup. Fortunately, most men know that ratty running shoes are off-limits. But those aren’t the offenders here. Rather, the culprits are clunky, bulbous-toed slip-on shoes that guys dust off for date night. It’s time to part ways and invest in a lean-lined loafer or a lace-up brogues. 

A button-down shirt

No, not an oversized, un-tucked one with a purple paisley print and contrasting stripes on the collar and cuffs. Keep it simple with solid white or blue, and focus on fit. Even if you’re packing some extra pounds, the shirt should have high armholes and be tailored through the torso. 

A fitted sportcoat

In basic navy, windowpane or tweed, a sportcoat is a surefire (not to mention super-simple) way to swoon your date. And much like your shirt, the only thing that really matters is the cut. It should have two buttons, follow your form and just barely cover your caboose. 

Dark denim

Light jeans look either too casual, too cheap or both. Darker washes in a straight-leg cut, alternatively, lend a more luxe look to any date-night duds. And unless your initial encounter is at a black-tie ball, you’re guaranteed entrance just about anywhere. In short, it’s an easy option with maximum impact. 

Clipped nails, coiffed hair and cologne

A good rule of thumb: Cleanliness can help you get dirty later. There’s no bigger turnoff than talon-like toenails or tufts of scraggily hairs on the back of your neck. A clip here and a snip there should do the trick. Then polish yourself off with a spritz of cologne. Anything more would be a knockout -- and not in a good way. 

Deep down, we know the inside is what really counts. But if you ignore the outside, you’ll be hard-pressed to get someone past the first date to see it ;).. Good luck!

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